My wife was excited to become a new mom
I was quite anxious, but she remained calm
Giving birth is something only women achieve
Thank God that the men aren’t the ones to conceive!
Bride’s body soon changed. Her waistline was growing
Babybump was expanding! Maternity showing!
Morning sickness each day – made HER moan and groan
Left her retching, and spewing, and hugging the throne!
When she needed to pee, I got out of her way
Baby pressed on her bladder all night and all day
That made her cranky, and grumpy, and snippy
She’d GO, and she’d GO, feeling moist, wet, and drippy!
* TOO MUCH INFORMATION! *
As the months flew by, she began to crave food
Crazy stuff she would eat because of her mood
Fish sticks dunked in pudding! A FAV of the girl
YECHHHH!!! Gag a maggot! Made me want to hurl!
When the due date arrived, I started to worry
I knew that the baby could come in a hurry
My spouse was relaxed – the opposite of me
I was nervous and tense. But then sud-den-ly
My wife’s water broke! OH NO! Grab a mop!
Off to the hospital, she was ready to pop!
With no time to waste, I ran every red light
So why would a baby be born at midnight?
* ONCE IN THE ROOM *
Sweating, and aching, and way too much swearing
And that was just ME! And I wasn’t childbearing
My bride remained brave. You could call her courageous
But I was just thankful she wasn’t contagious!
She seemed to blame me for the way she was feeling
The cramping caused panting and even some squealing!
Contractions got worse, had no choice but to wait
My wife mentioned something about ME and CASTRATE!!!
From conception to delivery, she wanted me there
So the miracle of birth I would be forced to share
Conception is GREAT! But delivery is GROSS!
Not something I wanted to witness up close!
With feet in the stirrups, it was on with the show!
Soon my spouse would radiate a motherly glow
Looked doctor in the eye. It was no time to be shy
Farewell to her modesty! She could wave it bye-bye!
The laws of physics no longer apply
It seemed impossible. But she had to try
PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! It was coming right now!
Squeezing a bowling ball through –
A TINY TUNNEL SOMEHOW!!!
Wife gritted her teeth and let out a long yell
That made me lightheaded. I fainted and fell!
I missed the big moment with a bump on my head
It should have been ME in that hospital bed!
My bride always said I could not understand
The pain of childbirth was beyond my command
But last night in the dark, I stubbed my big toe
So, the way my wife suffered –
I BELIEVE I NOW KNOW!
POETRY AT PLAY 